hello tumblr world,
it’s been a while, hasn’t it? the past twelve days since my last post has been a tornado of intensity and confusion indeed. there’s only two weeks of school left. wow. it is amazing how fast time seems to fly. i remember when i was in second grade and the school year seemed like an eternity. now, i would give anything to stop time and really cherish the priceless moments i have. there are no words to express how much i would love to go back to the carefree era of life. ahh, the simple days of childhood. when no one cared about the materialistic things. contrary to what people want to believe, it seems like the older we get, the more immature we become. in adolescence, no one judged. no one gossiped. no one slandered. and no one broke hearts. we accepted each other for who we were. but the unrelenting monster known as high school with its sidekicks pain and regret has consumed us all with no hopes of a victorious return. the more i look in the mirror, the most i see samantha fade as bitterness and hypocrisy take my place. i did a lot of drastic things for the first two days of this four day weekend. on friday, i went with my mom all the way to irvine to take care of some business and then OFF TO CABAZON for some mother&daughter bonding. too bad we got stuck in traffic for three hours ): but we were able to blast some GLEE songs and sing off tune as our car slugged its way through the freeway. then homegroup time (: this is usually the BEST PART OF THE WEEK that i look forward to the most, but for some reason, apathy took its course. yvonne wasn’t able to make it and everything turned out to be a complete fail. fail. fail. i dont remember feeling this bad after a homegroup meeting since those awkward days back when i was in 8th grade. Jesus, help me. this just goes to show, yvonne and i are a pair, one cannot stand without the other, or at least i can’t. and i cannot do this without the strength and mercy of God. i really need to spend more time praying for hg. i need to be consistent because CONSISTENCY IS KEY! i dont know how i can do this when she graduates. but kelly and nat were able to come, YAY (: and kelly stayed to read our old emails to each other during the summer of 2007 and the winter of 2008. i miss those days. saturday was spent at the 2010 summer camp meeting, melinda’s house for the lord of the flies project, food shopping, and making cakes with my mom. but even though my mom always knows how to put a smile on my face and even though my entire day was occupied with joy and laughter, there’s always that emptiness. i guess when you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is truly the hardest part. time to wake up samantha.
i need you more, Jesus.
as i look back on the past week and seeing how i spent my time, all i can say is that it was a total waste. mindless hours of watching the tyra banks show and falling asleep on the couch, pointless facebooking when i really should be doing homework, and watching unnecessary “outfit of the day” videos on youtube is what i decided to spend my vital and priceless time on. i havent journaled in who knows how long and i haven’t opened my bible in days. i havent gone to homegroup for two weeks now because of band concerts and i can’t go to the “run the race” praise night because of band banquet. i find myself compromising God’s principles more and more. i miss those moments when i could feel the presence of God surround me, but now all i feel is stress, laziness, brokenness, and heartache. today is day three and i’m trying to stay strong but a wandering and absent mind thinks about the very thing you are trying to avoid. i’m trying to keep myself busy. i’m trying to work on myself because two incomplete people don’t make a complete relationship. it’s only monday and there is no better time for change than the present. this will be a victorious week and i will overcome. more than the air that i breathe Jesus, i need you more.
“therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entagles, and let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us.” -hebrews 12:1
“Family quarrels have a total bitterness unmatched by others. Yet it sometimes happens that they also have a kind of tang, a pleasantness beneath the unpleasantness, based on the tacit understanding that this is not for keeps; that any limb you climb out on will still be there later for you to climb back.”
~Mignon McLaughlin
what a day it has been, indeed. life is definitely unexpected, but i love those moments which make it all worth it. i am very thankful for kelly lin, who stayed with me at school as i waited to go to tutoring in mr.lawrence’s class. even though it was a mere five minutes, it was a much needed five minutes indeed. when kelly’s dad picked her up, jocelyn and i raided peter’s backpack (: fun fun! then i burned ants with chelsea, grace, and nikki. we used the magnifying glass necklace carol&mel got me for christmas. thanks guys <3 at 4:00, my mom and i went to go return a dress at macy’s and got $1 corndogs at hotdog on a stick, my favorite place in the world. my mom always knows how to turn my frown upside down. i am so thankful for her. moments. yes, its those moments of pure enthusiasm and happiness that cover up the blunder and chaos of a day in the life of a fifteen year old.
Smile-Charlie Chaplin
“Smile tho’ your heart is aching,
Smile even though it’s breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You’ll get by,
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through- for you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev’ry trace of sadness,
Altho’ a tear may be ever so near,
That’s the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What’s the use of crying,
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.”
mondays are always my favorite, not. today was the first school day after ap testing and i have to admit, i feel so free. no more late nights sitting at the dining room table trying to study with my brother’s gangster music blasting and my mom sitting next to me telling me to sleep because its 11:00. no more butterflies in my stomach gurgling away my chances of getting a five. no more stress or nervousness. no more comparing myself to a sibling who i can’t seem to live up to. but it seems as one obstacle is miraculously hurdled over, another one jumps at me. its the final five weeks of school and i already feel so lazy. i try to push and motivate myself to fight to the finish, but the nonchalant attitude that i have cursed myself with is preventing me from accomplishing anything at all. i only pray that God gives me the hope and faith to make it through sophomore year. i know that on my own strength, i’m probably going to fail…and die. but with Jesus, all things are possible, even getting an A in ap euro.
- dearest caleb, i hope the suffices as a good first post (: haaa! i still think your blog pwns mine.
gothamtumblr needs a hero like you. - dearest carol, hello :D minute to win it <3 can’t wait for kevin joans to be on it (: waahooooo!! me must watch it together at 5:00 with your east coast television!
